My head hurts. I am dizzy. The vertigo is bad, especially laying down in bed or when I get up. I have decreased range of motion in my neck and my hip is bruised and cut. My leg is sore, and my ankle is weak. My right shin is weak, and my knee keeps going out under my weight. All of this since my horseback riding accident.
I got on a friend’s horse a few days ago. We were going to run some drills in the arena and then go on a little trail ride, but that mare had different ideas. Not only did she not want to go to the arena, she did not want me on her at all. As soon as I got on, she reacted and though I pushed my heels deep in the stirrups, held tight and tried to breathe through it, I wasn’t able to stay on. As I was flying off her back, my foot got caught in one of the stirrups.
My foot still in the stirrup, I pulled her down with me. On top of me. All 1400 pounds of her.
I impacted the ground. My right hip and lower back first, then I smashed my head on the driveway. It sounded like a coconut smacking concrete.
Crack!
In a split second, the mare was on my ankle and rolling – my calf, my knee, my thigh. Then, by the grace of all things holy, she rolled the other way and off of me.
I attempted to scramble out of the way, but all I could manage was a half-roll. My head was spinning. My only thought was getting out of the way of that dark bay mare who was rearing feet from my right side.
I pulled up on my elbow, as my friend rushed to my side. “Are you okay? Can you m–“
Before she could even finish her question, I choked, “I’m fine, go get the horse!” She did, and later thanked me for the rapid status check and action directive. Living through trauma will do that to you. I am a pro under pressure. One of the silver linings, I guess.
I blinked my eyes open and bit back tears. I tried moving my leg, it flopped, I could feel it. Check and check. I looked at my daughters and said, “and this is why we wear helmets,” and then I cried.
My body shook. I was weeping.
My daughter rushed to my side and tried to comfort me.
I straightened up, immediately stopped crying and told her I was fine. It was all ok. No big deal. I pulled myself up to stand and walked over to my older step-daughter on her horse – my whole body screaming at me – and I began comforting her horse. She was visibly distraught by what had happened. I hugged the girls and told them everything was ok.
In my moment of need, I comforted everyone else.
I didn’t want anyone to worry about me, or have fear because of me.
I am a strong person. I’ve lived through physical and emotional abuse. I’ve held it together when my world felt like it was falling apart. I’ve learned survival, but not always balance. Now is my time to work on trust.
I try to look for the positive in everything. I have a kind of pragmatic resilience that I am proud of, but I think I went a little too far with it that day. In hindsight, I wish I had let my little girl comfort me, let myself cry in front of her.
We got the horses settled, and my daughters went into the arena on their horses. My friend told me she’d stay with them if I needed “a minute to walk through the barn.” Maybe I wasn’t holding it back as well as I thought I was. She clearly knew I needed the release.
I got in my truck, shut the door and bawled my eyes out. It was one of those, snot-down-the-face kind of cries. I wept and shook and called my husband. Midway through choking on my salty tears, I had my ah shit moment. I realized I should have let my daughters see me hurt. I shouldn’t have shied away from the comfort of my little empath.
When I pulled it together and went back to the arena, I limped alongside my girl as she walked her pony. I opened up and told her that I was actually hurting pretty badly, and I couldn’t wait to get another big hug from her. I said that the reason I had pulled away was because I didn’t want her to see me hurt. I also didn't want them to fear another horseback riding accident.
I hadn’t wanted to scare her. I was honest.
As easy as that may be to say, it can be so hard to do.
Sometimes parents think that their children do not need them to be forthright and truthful about everything, and I, for one, disagree. My daughter deserved the truth at that moment. My honesty about my pain makes me human, it helps her to understand me. That is all we really want in the end, right? To understand and be understood.
My daughter decided to end her lesson early. She dismounted and tied her pony to the fence rail near a patch of grass. We sat under a tree while we watched her older sister ride. She snuggled right up next to me and held me tight. I cried again. This time not just from the pain, but also because I knew I had made the right choice at that moment. I let my little girl support me the way she had wanted to all along, and in lowering my walls, I found a healing.
Her love poured into me, and mine flowed right back into her.
I let her know that her love was accepted and wanted, and that she had the ability to comfort me. It may seem simple, but as our children grow, it is good for them to experience giving rather than just receiving. For them to learn to nurture and not just to be nurtured.
To be balanced, we all must understand both.
But it was me who did the most learning that day. It was another small step towards my understanding how to be vulnerable with the people who love me. That mare gave me the unexpected gift of getting to work on my ability to trust with one of my favorite people in the whole world. I woke up that morning and thought it would just be another normal day, but there are no normal days.
Every day has something to teach us. Every moment a lesson. This horseback riding accident was one of mine.
There are healings to be found around every corner.
If you suspect you may have gotten a concussion from a horseback riding accident, please seek medical attention.
Call your doctor or get a ride to urgent/emergency care as soon as you suspect a concussion. A horseback riding accident is not something to be taken lightly. They can be very serious. Go to Brainline to find a list of symptoms to keep and eye out for, and safe riding!